being single-minded

I would imagine that most of us belong to a particular sub-sect of our culture that always begs the same question from just about everyone you know. For newlyweds, it's "when are you having kids?" For parents, it's "when are you having another?" For single people, it's "are you dating anyone?"

I fall into the latter category and I'm asked that constantly. And I have to admit that I ask that of my own single friends because it kind of seems like the easy way to make conversation. I even do it without thinking about it. One time, my friend Dan e-mailed me his diatribe of why single life is great and then I absent-mindedly asked in my next message if he's dating anyone. Add that to my list of really stupid things I've said to others.

I don't know if it's because I'm getting older or have been married (or maybe a product of both), but I find myself in a position where I'm pretty damn picky. I already know what works with my personality type (even with the expected compromises factored in), so why waste the time on something that is most likely doomed to fail? I'm also beyond the point of crushing on someone from afar, and if there's no chemistry or one of us doesn't feel compelled to make the move, then I just move on.

One could say that my expectations are perhaps too high or maybe I'm a little too matter-of-fact about something that should be more emotional, but I think it's a matter of being realistic. If I know that a guy with certain characteristics is going to irritate the ever-loving crap out of me, then what's the point? Some friends of mine have mentioned that perhaps some of these characteristics can be "trained out" of them.

My counter points are not only that I don't have the time or energy to go through something like that (it didn't work the last time), but also that it's not really fair to expect a metamorphosis just for me when he may be a perfect fit for someone else. And after all, aren't we supposed to love the person for who they are today and not who you hope they'll be tomorrow?

It's a delicate balance between your own personal deal-breakers, yet also trying to be flexible and tolerant -- regardless of the issue. This just happens to be the one I'm dealing with right now.