Miami Shite

Miami Vice: D

Plain and simple, Miami Vice is what I can only refer to as cinematic excrement. I have to admit that I was a little unsure about the film, given all the on-set gossip that the entertainment rags discussed (i.e. partying, constant delays, numerous reshoots, Jamie Foxx's diva 'tude). But, it could just be gossip, right? After all, the director, Michael Mann, helmed several movies I've liked in the past, such as The Last of the Mohicans, Heat, The Insider and even Collateral.

It's a classic case that one's past does not determine their future and this Miami Vice falls flat on its face, resulting in another donkey for Colin Farrell (Alexander was just as bad) and a stumble for Oscar-winner Jamie Foxx. After seeing Farrell charm all the talk shows this week, and even joked with Matt Lauer by asking if he's "still glib" in reference to Tom Cruise's spaz out on Lauer last year, I thought for sure that he would've brought that quality to the role. Nope. If you haven't heard already, the film is nothing like the campy 80s show except that Michael Mann was also the show's executive producer. Oh, except that we continue to have boys with expensive toys.

The film is essentially about Crockett (Farrell, in case you don't recognize him in his orangy greasy hair and redneck mustache) and Tubbs going undercover to trap a Columbian drug dealer running drugs into Miami. Wow-- now that's a plot I've never heard of before! Needless to say, the movie did not withstand the "pee test," as in I will only get up to to go the bathroom if a movie truly sucks.

Immediately, you're thrown in the middle of a rather dull sting operation, only to suddenly divert into the drug story. The characters aren't even really introduced and the entire screenplay feels disjointed and chaotic, most likely resulting from those extensive reshoots that supposedly were "overblown gossip." In a cop movie, you expect intriguing characters, exciting car chase scenes, a potential shoot-out or even on-going plot twists. Hardly any of that in this one (and certainly nothing that's very interesting), for I think I could've written this in Film 101 in college. There is no character development, and Crockett and Tubbs both come off as rather vanilla compared to many of their genre predecessors.

Colin Farrell has more screentime, mainly due to his strategy to seduce the female drug dealer/business woman/probably someone else's lover, played by Gong Li (from Memiors of a Geisha). Their lack of chemistry was so awkward that it was almost like watching one of my dogs try to hump a fish. Li's English was so bumbled that her body tended to dry heave forward as though she were vomiting her words out. And then we have Farrell attempting some deep "tough" American accent that sounds like an over-the-top SNL character (you'd never know he's really Irish since he never plays one).

And then we have Jamie Foxx that shows up as Farrell's partner with eloquent lines such as "I could never doubt you" or having to listen to Farrell explain "We get down if the play calls for it, bud." All I could think of was how many moments of this film could have fit into Jon Stewart's gay cowboy montage from The Oscars (if you haven't seen it, here's the link to You Tube). Foxx has an equally awkward love interest in one of the other cops, and I say that because we don't even know they're lovers until she suddenly shows up in his shower. Normally, you expect filmmakers to build up to a sex scene with either romantic or sexual tension -- not with a female character that you barely even noticed up until that point.

This is truly one of those films where you have to wonder "what in the hell happened here?" Whoever thought that the seductive response to the question of "how fast does your boat go?" should be "it goes real fast" should never touch another screenplay again. Or here's another gem, "Do you understand the meaning of the word 'foreboding', as in badness is happening right now?

I could keep going on with more, but I'm too busy snickering. Don't even waste a rental with this one, as I think I'd rather watch my niece's birthing video than sit through this again. And you probably would, too.

The best part of this film was seeing the preview for the upcoming Martin Scorsese movie with Jack Nicholson, a finally grown up-looking Leonardo DiCaprio and Matt Damon called The Departed. Jack plays a crime boss, and both Leo and Matt are cops. Leo is undercover in Jack's crew and Matt is on Jack's payroll. Both sides know there's a snitch in each camp, and the one that lives is the one that sniffs out the other first.