the past is never far behind

I've tended to shy away from personal topics, but I've got a bit of angst in my side. I’m a big proponent in the theory that there are two sides to every story; that you don’t always know what goes on behind closed doors; that it’s nobody’s business but the parties involved.

One of the things that always astound me is how easy some people think they get to know me. That they think they know all of me. As if life didn’t happen before I was 14-years-old, or once the front door closed. Because apparently things could not have happened if you’ve never talked about them, right? It really pisses me off whenver hear someone make a comment like "well, you never had to worry about..." or "at least you never..."

Lately, I’m not really sure what’s spurred these frustrated feelings on, but some of the resentment that I’ve felt toward my parents and the childhood that my siblings and I endured has bubbled to the surface. And, by this, I refer to my mom and dad (not my step-dad who I always praise). I don’t know why, but I’m just suddenly so irked.

And it’s not so much that my parents are assholes now, but it really aggravates me that there’s no memory, no remorse for some of the things they put us through when we were younger. My dad has selective amnesia and my mom thinks that she bought her way out of her guilt. Each parent will make comments about the other to me, as if they were the “perfect parent” when they were raising us (the hypocrisy of how good a parent can be if they allow the other to treat their kids like crap doesn't escape me, either).

Why is it that parents are so quick to forget the problems they cause, yet can’t stop reminding you about whatever mistakes you’ve made (which are still nothing compared to theirs)? Why don’t parents realize that the way they treat their kids will continue to have an effort for the rest of their lives?

That there’s a reason why I have to be in control of things, why I don’t trust others to come through for me, why I still don’t like the sound of stairs creaking, why I never drink and drive, why I’ve never been into expensive clothes, why I flinch when someone quickly raises their hand, why I'll never take a hot shower for granted, why I like coming off as somewhat intimidating, why there is such a thing as having too many rules, why I feel like I already had my “kids” by taking care of my siblings before I was 18, why I feel such vindication when my parents’ own siblings tell me that they’re proud of the way the four of us have turned out.

And it's not that I need the hatred or anger. I just want to hear an acknowledgement and some regret. And stop hearing them act as though any of our successes have been a result of their "great parenting skills."

Now, if only I’d have the guts to tell them to read this post. I'm just not ready yet, so this will have to do.