One sword; two edges

My girlfriends and I were talking the other day about how the dynamic of dating seems to be different nowadays, or maybe we're just getting too old to put up with it. That would be the concept that "no means no." And, I'm not referring to the context of those PSAs from when we were teenagers, but in just about every other aspect.

There's a trend going around for either this era or my age group in that asking for either booty calls or dates a multitude of times will eventually garner a "yes." Although the first five times yielded a "no," then suddenly the sixth is the magic number? Or, my favorite was being told how straight-forward I am and how refreshing it is that I don't play games, yet apparently doesn't apply when I say "no" to him.

See here's the thing: if a guy wants a woman that is independent and has a brain, then she is going to be one who says what she means and no "convincing" is really necessary. It's the same as the guys' side: if we're into you, we will let you know as easily as you let us.

It's unnerving because when we say "no" and it's discounted, it means we don't now what the guy's limitations are. If he disregards this, imagine what it could escalate to? Granted, it doesn't necessarily mean the guy is a Ted Bundy, but if we start to ignore our gut instinct, then that is when we become vulnerable and get ourselves into situations that really may be more serious. Because the truth is, you just never know. We don't want to take that chance. And, more importantly, we shouldn't have to.

The more mellow side of the concern when the "no" is ignored is that it becomes one of those red flags that he expects things to always go his way; to be on his terms without any regard or concern to what she wants. And to someone that is independent and has a brain, it will clash like oil and water. You get the cheek; don't go back for the lips. You're told he/she isn't interested; respect that and be friends. Your offer for casual sex is declined; don't bring it up again.

I said the other day that I think the female gender is unfairly stereotyped because I hear many of my male friends accuse women of becoming psychos and/or needy, when in reality, men are just as capable of demonstrating these very behaviors. My friend pointed out that perhaps it's because women haven't had their voices heard because our media and entertainment reflects a male-dominated Hollywood. Then, it occurred to me that it's probably another reason why Sex and the City was so popular -- because women were finally getting their stories out there to show that men can be just as bizarre.

Our personal boundaries (both emotional and physical) are one of the few areas over which each of us has complete control of access rights. To cross over without permission is a huge violation and an indication of the other person's character, and while I'm sure some may disagree, I have yet to be proved wrong this particular issue.