Mixed blessings

The series finale of Six Feet Under last night was one of the best ones I’d ever seen in that it didn’t feel contrived and stayed true to the overall tone of the show. There were many “themes” throughout the episode that are worthy of a blog post, but one in particular stuck out to me, mainly because it felt so familiar.

The youngest daughter, Claire, receives a job offer as a photographer’s assistant in New York City, so she makes the difficult decision to leave her family and follow her dream. Her oldest brother Nate (who died about three eps back, but they all come back to talk to the living) tells Claire that she needs to go or she will suffocate if she stays in L.A. Claire feels particular guilt in leaving their Mom so soon after Nate’s death (the father died in the series pilot four years ago).

This is the part that rang true to me, in that with my move this Fall, I will basically be leaving my mom here by herself. I know it’s what I need to do and should live my own life, but it has and will continue to be a little awkward, for she’d rather me stay, and hasn’t been subtle about it. Most of my guilt comes from the fact that she was so supportive of me during my divorce.

I guess part of me hopes for some type of “blessing” that she’ll be okay; that I’m not being a bad daughter by leaving. It’s different than when it was for college because I was the oldest, so there were three other kids and my step-dad still with her. Claire’s job in the show wound up falling through, yet she doesn’t tell anyone and continues to journey to New York – without a job or a place to live, much like what I will be doing. It seems harder this way because it’s a conscious choice to leave, even though I’m not really going toward anything in particular.

It’s kind of rare to leave a parent by him/herself, which makes it all the more difficult to explain. Others who might’ve gone through the same thing may be able to relate to this bittersweet feeling of journeying to something new, but with guilt of leaving someone behind. My gut tells me it will be easier when the time comes, but this is the back-story on some of the angst that you may detect in my tone. And I just felt the need to share.

In case you’re wondering, Claire’s mom told her to “… find whatever life has in store for you." That was just what I needed to hear last night -- even if it just came from a TV show.