Sometimes good just isn't enough

I was chatting with one of my girlfriends last week, and we were talking about one of our all-time favorite TV shows, Seinfeld, and what made it so great. I brought up the fact that somehow Jerry, George and Elaine seemed to always be grasping at something to justify breaking up with someone for no real reason.

Let’s take a trip back. Man hands, girl who wore the same dress, girl who brushed her teeth with a toothbrush Jerry dropped in the toilet, Sponge-worthy, woman who didn’t want George to eat a sandwich in the midst of sex, Yadda Yadda Yadda, among many others. This picture is from a scene where George learned what it felt like to be dumped for something he couldn’t control – the shrinkage factor after a cold swim. Sometimes, I just love karma.

I said they had the weirdest “deal-breakers” in that I never actually knew anyone like this or anyone who dated anyone with these traits – but that’s why the show was so funny. If you think about it, just about everyone has these types of superficial deal-breakers in their minds that might make someone seem less desirable. I’ll admit one of mine: height. I have a difficulty being attracted to guys who aren’t at least my height. I’m above average for Mainland USA, but practically an Amazon at almost 5’8” over here. In high school, I could literally see over the heads of most of the people in the hallway. I know it’s stupid, but it’s just not something I’ve overcome yet.

Then, we talked about the kind of deal-breakers that are “no brainers.” What are those you ask? Those who are abusive, crack addicts, too old or too young, religious preference, non-smokers preferring non-smokers, single people not wanting kids, or even race. There can be difficulty in finding compatibility or even compromise with these items, as they stem from values, beliefs and the way we're raised.

But, the real question came up for those that fall in the middle, and how to deal with it, in this ever-changing world of dating in your 30s. The example my friend told me is that she met a guy through Match.com who seemed great and the connection was there. He didn’t have a problem with the fact she had a child. However, when he found out the child was born out of wedlock that became the deal-breaker. He said he could “excuse” it if she had the child and then divorced, but not if she was never married. Where I have a problem with that is if the guy ever had pre-marital sex, where does he get off making that type of judgment? Unfortunately, I’ve known a couple of women who’ve gotten pregnant while on the pill – that 3% error rate is actually quite “real.” It just seemed kind of odd to accept the child, but not the why.

In my case, I recently had a conversation with a male friend who said he wouldn’t want to date anyone who was divorced. Though we’re just platonic, I felt the need to speak up for all divorcees in that while I understood the desire for the marriage to be a “first” for both, he may be missing out on someone he could be compatible with on every other level. Traits that actually affect personalities and the ability to get along 24/7. I don’t encounter this often, but ironically, I think that being married once before changed my priorities in what is needed for long-term compatibility, and really made me appreciate the "nice guys."

What was frustrating between the two of us is how difficult it can still be, even if you have other things that are usually desirable – like independence, intelligence, financial stability, advanced education, thoughtfulness. This applies to both genders, as we are both equally dense in this particular arena. I sometimes wonder if the media’s idea of perfection is the ultimate goal for most people compared to my desire to find a good fit. My cynicism stems from hearing people who want a nice, fun person with a great personality -- but he/she must be of a particular body type.

I don’t ask for too much, I don’t think. My two biggest are that we are fairly equal in intelligence and sense of humor. That’s not to say we need to be experts in the exact same fields, but at least a similar awareness of the world and overall common sense. It’s a good thing when the guy knows the Khmer Rouge isn’t a new Italian dessert. And, if I don’t laugh and banter with him, then I know we’re not going to keep each other entertained for long. After that, just be nice and treat me as well as you’d treat your Mom or sister (thanks to Mr. H. for that).

It seems like people are so quick to judge what the other doesn’t have, instead of valuing what they do. I know I can be guilty of it, so I have to step back, think about it, and then, of course, blog it -- and hold myself to it.