Playing with Fire

We are a race of the walking wounded. I had this post in my head for a little while now, but wanted to kind of flesh out exactly what I wanted to say. In the meantime, several of my blog reads have touched upon this very subject, but I don’t want this to alienate the married folks, so keep reading and maybe you’ll be able to offer some advice.

In this era of dating in your 30s (or thereabouts), esp. after the Big D, I’ve found that people have had negative experiences that holds them back from looking at new people with a clean slate. It then makes the dating scene all the more awkward, as you sit there waiting for the other person to reveal their “true” self. While I realize my past hasn’t been all that great either, I really try to approach each new opportunity with an open mind. Unfortunately, I’m apparently in the minority.

(Editor's Note: due to an offline message I received when I first posted this, I must clarify before you read on that this post is about no ONE particular person -- it's a culmination of stories from guy friends, other blogs, girlfriends' horror stories and my own experiences. I get just as irritated with platonic guy friends or girlfriends who do this to their potential dates, and try to make the same points with them).

One of my guy friends told me once, “All women are psychos. I hate dating b/c it takes two years for the psychoticness to come out and then you’ve already invested two years into something to find out she’s a freak.” Another told me “women are just looking for men with money so they can quit their jobs and he can support her.”

Oh really? And then when I explore to find out whom the person was that caused this revelation to apply to the entire female gender, I discover that the culprit is someone that didn’t even fit what they would consider their “ideal match” in the first place.

Wait… you mean that you make $60k+ a year, drive a nice car, have a nice place and you hook up with a girl who makes less than half of what you do, still lives with her parents, has no ambition to go beyond what she’s currently doing – and her neediness and/or desire to rush things SHOCKS you?

Here's a good one: “She’s not someone I can imagine myself being with, so I’ll just stay casual with her (aka “someone to have sex with when I’m lonely”). I’ve told her how I feel, so it’s okay. Sorry guys. Though I do credit you for being upfront about your intentions, there’s a reason you can’t see yourself with her long-term and chances are she’s not going to be able to control her feelings on her end. So, here we go with the predictable Fatal Attraction-ending where she becomes emotional, needy, etc. anyway and winds up pissing off the guy.

Or, this is my absolute favorite: hooking up with someone who is already in another relationship b/c, of course, the cheater will be so trustworthy when they are with you, right? No, I don't think so.

Why I do care, you ask? If they make their bed, why shouldn't I just let them sleep in it? Because, I’m usually the next one up to bat and I suffer the consequences of being pre-judged, based on the last freakazoid, despite the fact I have nothing in common with her. He ignores the fact that I make as much as him, I’m as educated (or perhaps more so) than him, I’ve lived 5,000 miles away from my family, I’m willing to move and try new things, I can go to movies by myself, I’m not afraid to stand up to my Mom – all that goes to shit b/c he’s the one who chose to play with fire and then got burned.

Advice? Suggestions? Or, just feel my pain? No sappy crap like “Oh, the right one will see you for you who are…” Oh, and yes, I do realize that women can be just as guilty of this, so there's no need to tell me that. This is the type of frustration for which the sole purpose of blogs was created – to get good feedback from friends and even strangers.